Fake Football is Real to Me
The 2020 NFL season starts tonight.
But more importantly, the 2020 fantasy football season starts tonight.
What’s the difference? Nothing really. I’ve been doing fantasy football for 15 years now and it’s one of the things I look forward to all year. I was already a football fan, but fantasy football made me love it even more. Fantasy football allows me to be involved in the game, and makes me use the analytical part of my brain. It’s my favorite thing to obsess over.
So what is it about fantasy football that I love so much?
The camaraderie - one of the things that happens when you get older is that life happens and you begin to lose contact with friends and family. But many people use fantasy football to stay in touch with their loved ones. You can have a league with all your college friends. A league with your co-workers. A league with your family. A league with people in your AA group. A league will all the guys you met in prison. Every season I am typically in 2-4 different leagues, this year I’m in 2 - a league with guys I went to high school with, and another with a friend and his friends. Normally I wouldn’t keep in touch with these guys on a regular basis, but fantasy football let’s us chat, talk shit, and “compete” against each other. And I’d much rather do that than be included in large text group.
I’m fvcking great at it - I’m not going to bore you rattling off all the championships I’ve won over the years. I’m not going to ramble on about how many playoffs I’ve made. And I certainly will not brag about all the prizes I’ve won. At it’s core, fantasy football is just a game, where a fake team “plays” against another fake team, and the highest score wins. Sounds easy enough, but it takes more than being a fan to succeed. Football knowledge is important, but so is analysis and strategy. Add in some nuance, experience, and gamesmanship and you have my recipe for a strong, competitive team.
It scratches my gambling itch - I’m not ashamed to admit that I’ll get the itch to gamble every now and then. It’s a trait found in many Asians. So instead of playing cards and betting on sports, I play fantasy. The stakes are relatively low, it’s week-to-week, and I can still win money/prizes. If you think about it, fantasy football is essentially poker; you decrease risk and play your best team/hand that give you the best chance to win. I can make all the moves that give me the statistical advantage, but that does not guarantee that I will win every time. That’s where the term “bad beat” comes from. Applies to fantasy football just as much as it does to poker. I’ll keep my stakes low (for now).
The team names - Ah yes, the fantasy football team name. Everyone with a team gets to name their team. This is where I shine. I love coming up with team names. I try to come up with a new name for each team every year. It’s not easy to come up with a team name that is equally creative, current, and potentially offensive. Sometimes ideas come right to me, sometimes I have to put extra time into it. To give you an idea of how my sick mind works, previous team names I’ve had (that I am comfortable posting) include “Washington Injuns,” “Cromartie Day Care,” and “A Bit of a Chubb.” I swear, all these names were funny at the time. But you get the idea. What are my teams’ names this year, you ask? Hmm….
Turning negative into a positive - While fantasy football is fun, there are some negative aspects of it. There are people who take fantasy way too seriously (I’ve been guilty of that) and have misguided anger. There have been many instances where fantasy players will tweet nasty, offensive things to real players on their team. “Hey Player A, I lost my match this week because you only got me X points, you suck, do better next time.” Something along those lines. Like real NFL players care about anyone’s fantasy team. Real NFL teams plan and prepare to win games, not to get your player the most points that week. Interactions like that have soured real players on fantasy football, and I don’t blame them one bit. Imagine being an NFL player and executing the game plan and winning, then having a bunch of fake football nerds calling you names because you didn’t score enough. That would infuriate me. But, a few years ago a sportswriter named Michael Gehlken came up with a brilliant idea. The idea is, if you win your league championship, you donate a portion (or all) of your winnings to a charity of one of your players. I didn’t like that idea. I LOVED that idea. In the 2018 season I had Patrick Mahomes, so after I won the league (not bragging, stating fact), I donated a portion of my winnings to his charity called Team Luke Hope for Minds. I had Lamar Jackson for the 2019 season, so after I won that league (not boasting, just trying to tell a story here) I donated to his charity Boys & Girls Club of Metropolitan Baltimore. And after I win a league this year (not arrogant, just honest), I will donate to another players’ charity. And as long as I keep playing fantasy, I will continue to do so.
That was just a small peek inside my favorite hobby. I could’ve really gone into the weeds with what I really enjoy about fantasy football, but I’ll quit while I’m ahead. Unless you’re super fantasy nerd like I am, it’s boring. Because even though I love fantasy, there is nothing worse than someone telling you about their fantasy team. No one outside of your league cares.
With COVID-19 lingering around, this will be an interesting season for sure.
Who’s going to test positive?
Will there be enough teams to complete the season?
How many championships will “Pull Out Game Weak” win this year??
Only time will tell.
“Fuck that, I’d rather turn this club into a bar-room brawl
Get rowdy as Roethlisberger in a bathroom stall”
- Eminem / “Despicable”
