Everything’s Eventual
I wasn’t planning on writing about my mom.
There is no wrong way to grieve, but it feels like I’m doing it wrong. I’m emotionally exhausted, and I feel lost.
Bunterngchit Asawesna passed away peacefully on August 21, 2022 in her home. She had colon cancer, as well as Alzheimer’s. I knew her as mom, but you can call her Bunny. She was the oldest girl of 8 siblings, so she learned how to be motherly early in her life. And what a wonderful mother she was. She was warm, selfless, caring, generous - the kind of person where if you didn’t like her, then there is something wrong with YOU. My mom always had a smile on her face (literally always, I dare you to find a picture of her not smiling). She wasn’t just my mom, she wasn’t just my brother’s mom, she was everyone’s mom. It didn’t matter if you were a blood relative or someone meeting her for the first time, she would take care of you. That’s just how she was.
And now she’s gone.
She physically passed away a few months ago, but I felt like I lost her many years ago. Alzheimer’s is a nasty, unforgiving disease that took away the last years of my mother’s life. It started out innocent enough; I remember she would sometimes call me by my brother’s name and vice versa. I didn’t think much of it, I was young and thought it was funny. Then she would get her brothers confused with each other. Then she would occasionally forget plans. She would call me on my birthday every year, until she didn’t. That’s when I knew something was wrong. Then it started to get worse. She would either forget to eat, or forgot that she had already eaten. She couldn’t remember what she did 10 minutes prior. She couldn’t finish a thought or sentence. What I thought was funny 30 years ago is definitely not funny now.
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3 days after my mom had passed away, Spiritbox played a headlining show at the House of Blues in Anaheim. As soon as this show was announced months prior, I bought a ticket immediately. I didn’t just buy a ticket, I bought a VIP Meet and greet pass as well. Normally I don’t splurge on VIP for anything, but I bought VIP for this specific show because Spiritbox is one of my favorite new bands and I wanted to meet them and tell them how inspirational a certain song is to me. I think Spiritbox is a talented band with great songs, but “Constance” is one particular song that really spoke to me. “Constance” is a song about singer Courtney LaPlante’s grandmother Phyllis, who had dementia. Phyllis passed away at the beginning of COVID, and due to travel restrictions, LaPlante was unable to attend her funeral and properly say goodbye. During the last months of my mom’s life, listening to “Constance” brought me solace and peace during a time of confusion and sorrow. Feeling a connection to a song’s lyrics and energy is something I love and appreciate so much, and “Constance” is one of those songs. The comfort I feel when I hear that someone else is going through a similar experience is unparalleled; that feeling of not being alone is unlike any other for me.
The week that my mom passed, I had a few concerts that I was looking forward to. Ghost/Mastodon/Spiritbox. Devil Wears Prada/Dying Wish. I couldn’t bring myself to attend either show. It didn’t feel right, and I knew I wouldn’t have been able to enjoy those experiences. But I still chose to go the Spiritbox show, because I knew that I would be able to briefly meet them, and I absolutely had to tell them about my mom and how much “Constance” means to me. It’s my turn to meet the band, and after some pleasantries I mentioned how my mom had Alzheimer’s and passed away a few days earlier, and how much “Constance” meant to me during the end of her life. Next thing I know Courtney is giving me a big long hug, and saying how glad she was that I decided to come, and offered condolences, and assured me that they would be playing that song that night. I definitely choked up, and after receiving a big hug from guitarist Mike Stringer, I felt such relief. Like a huge weight was lifted off my shoulders.
That moment played a large part in the beginning of my grieving process.
That moment showed me the path to healing.
That moment showed me that I am not dealing with this alone.
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That’s the incredible thing about music to me. The times where I felt alone and that no one would understand how I was feeling, I eventually found the song(s) that proved me otherwise. My favorite artists were the ones that were able to say the things that I was never comfortable saying at the time. “Constance” is just the latest song in a long list of tunes to reassure me that my thoughts and feelings are not unique, that other people were experiencing the same issues I was.
And that comfort I feel is not limited to music. One of my favorite new writers, Sara Runnels, went through a similar experience as I did. Her mother passed away from cancer a few months after my mom did, and wrote a beautiful 2-part piece about her. (I highly recommend this piece, which you can read here and here. It’s on Medium, not sure if you need an account to read, but I would sign up if you don’t. That piece alone is worth it). No matter how many times I read that piece or listen to “Constance,” I still tear up. Not just from the amazing writing, but the relief in knowing that if I cannot find the words to express how I feel, I know that there will be someone else who will.
The decision to write about my mom wasn’t an easy one. One day I would be excited to write about her, the next day I was scared to death to make myself vulnerable and put myself out there like that. Back and forth, every day for the past few months. Ultimately, I decided that I needed to acknowledge her passing, not just in her honor, but for my grieving process as well. To this day I don’t know if I am grieving properly, but I know this helped.
My mom and I went through a period where we were struggling to properly communicate with each other, and it seriously strained our relationship at the time. It was during that time that I really leaned into my music to help me get through this particular period.
I used music to push my mom away.
Now I am using music to bring me closer to her.
Funny how life works.
We live in a strange world.
“Dying sun burns in the night
I watch it glow, it’s so hard for me
Speaking darkness out of spite
Coercion and then caving in, wrap me in my bitterness
Give it up, I’m complacent
Just enough to escape it
Heretics wouldn’t faze me
Lucid trust, I don’t want it
Palms are rough when you promise
Fire lies when you’re honest
It’s hard to lose and wonder why
You pressure in increments
Like a slow-moving coup
Memories dissident
When I am holding you
If my sun won’t set tonight
I’ll look around but it’s so hard for me
Like a shadow passing by
Crashing into shapes and then fading with my innocence
Give it up, I’m complacent
Just enough to escape it
Heretics wouldn’t faze me
Lucid trust, I don’t want it
Palms are rough when you promise
Fire lies when you’re honest
You pressure in increments
Like a slow-moving coup
Memories dissident
When I am holding you.”
-Spiritbox / “Constance”
